COMMUNITY // There was a lot of talk yesterday about mental health, and I am here for all of it. I firmly believe that most everyone has been touched my mental health or mental illness, be it personally or through someone they love. I’d guess for many of us, it’s both.
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I have been relatively vocal about my own mental health, which at times has been helpful, and sometimes has been hurtful. But I truly believe the more we talk about it, the more we advocate for it, the more we celebrate our mental health victories, the less of a stigmatized issue mental health will be.
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It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a community to continue supporting the adult that child becomes. I’m lucky to have a community of incredibly strong, brave, loving humans by my side as I navigate this thing called life.
* Thank you to my parents, for working hard to understand how my brain operates, and giving me the stability and comfort of a soft place to always land.
* Thank you to my son, for reminding me every day of the beauty and pure joy and light this world has in store for us all.
* Thank you to Nick, for continuing to be a pillar of support in a way that few people would.
* Thank you to my beautiful friends, who lovingly accept me as is, and allow me to process in the ways that work best for me, even if it means I go MIA now and again.
* Thank you to my doctor for treating depression and anxiety as he would any other ailment, and destigmatizing medication in such a complete and authentic way.
* Thank you to my therapists, past and present, for working diligently with me to both find comfort in who I am, but not settling too deeply into it.
* Thank you to my employers, past and present, who support and promote total person wellness, whatever that may look like for each of us.
* Thank you to my sweet pup Sawyer, who is forever showing me the beauty of unconditional love, and the power of a soul who loves you.
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I’d love to hear about your community. ❤️
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PS - photo taken in the waiting room of my therapist’s office, where I go every week, because therapy is part of my self care and is nothing to be ashamed about.
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#TheKindredChallenge #TheKindredChallenge_Community
TRUTH // Today was a hard day. One of those days that tricks you into thinking it’s going to be a good day until it sucker punches you right in the gut, knocking the wind out of you.
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And yet, when people asked “how are you?” or”how’s your day?”, I plastered a smile on my face - “fine, thanks!”.
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Except my day was not fine. I am not fine. Will I be fine? Yes. Of that I have no doubt. But in this moment, I feel less than fine.
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So later, when my dad asked me “are you doing okay?”, I answered him, “no, not really.” And he responded, “I wouldn’t be either. I understand.”
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And when my mom asked me “are you doing okay?”, I answered her, “no, not really.” And she responded, “I wouldn’t be either. I understand.”
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There’s something about speaking your truth, having it acknowledged, having it validated. When someone speaks a hard truth, often the gut reaction is “you’ll be great! Things will get better! Onward and upward!”, but there is real power, and comfort, in letting that truth simmer and hang out there in the open air, wrapping it in a bubble of understanding instead of trying to swat it away.
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How was your day? I hope it was fine. And if not, then I hope you’ll speak your truth.
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This is day 3 of @thekindredvoice‘s #TheKindredChallenge. .
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#TheKindredChallenge_Truth #ShareYourStory #WriteYourTruth #SpeakYourTruth
FEAR // Four years and a lifetime ago. Everyone says it, but in the drudgery and the darkness of early motherhood - my early motherhood, at least - you don’t believe it. It does not fly by. Nothing, except perhaps my patience, was short.
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The days were long. The minutes were long. The endless crying and the upset bellies and the sleepless nights were ... long.
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But now? They feel so short. It all feels so short. I blinked and he turned into a tiny human who walks and talks and has opinions and attitudes and makes decisions. I’m afraid for what he’ll have grown into when I blink again - school aged, teenager, man.
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I am the mother of one, forever a mother of one, and in almost all ways, I know it is the right decision for me. For us. Except for this. I spent so much of his babyhood not loving being a mother, feeling like a failure, being numb, that I fear I will always regret not “soaking it all in.” I’m afraid I will always regret not figuring out how to love that stage of his life. I’m afraid that I will always yearn for another baby simply to have a do-over of those first few months of life.
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And I fear I will never forgive myself for all of those things.
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I love this child fiercely and completely. I am a good mother. I was a good mother. I have always been a good mother, doing my very best with my very best. I will always be a good mother. But I fear that that will never feel like enough.
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This is Day 2 of the #TheKindredChallenge, and it’s already been such an eye opening, soul opening experience of writing about what these words bring up. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings.
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[Photo by @nathancoldham; take a peek at my Stories to see who this sweet babe has grown into ❤️]
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#TheKindredChallenge_Fear #ShareYourStory #WriteYourStory #MyVoiceMatters #Motherhood #ThisIsPostpartum #NewMotherhood #RealLoveRealLife #BabyLove
HOPE // For a long time I assumed that hope would always be enough to get me through. Hope, faith, manifest, dream, yearn ... it all meant the same. If I wanted something badly enough, if I truly thought it was meant to be, that it was meant for me, then hope alone would be enough to bring it to fruition.
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It turns out that I was missing a critical piece of that equation. I was missing the belief. I was missing the WORK that is belief.
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Hoping for something to happen is not the same as believing something will happen. Hoping for what I desire is not believing that I am worthy of that desire.
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I still turn to hope in my deepest, darkest moments. But I also put in the work, almost daily, to know that I am worthy of what I hope for, and that I believe in what I hope for. I put in the work to trust that things may not turn out as I hoped, but that they’re turning out in my favor, in favor of the bigger picture, and that I can’t control what that looks like.
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And learning to let go of that control, but still being willing to put in the work? That’s how I know that hope is real. .
>>> This is Day 1 of @thekindredvoice’s #TheKindredChallenge. I’ll be challenging myself daily for the next week to write freely in response to their daily prompts. Won’t you join me? <<<
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P.S. this Dream Life Design planner by @workspacery is my favorite Hope Tool. I truly see a difference on the days I use it. ❤️
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#KindredVoices #MyStoryMatters #YourStoryMatters #HopeFloats #Manifest #TheKindredChallenge_Hope #HeartCentered #HeartStrong #ShareYourStory
“Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” - Leonard Cohen
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Yesterday morning #TeamListenInLove and I walked with almost 1,000 people and @afspct to #StopSuicide. Last night I was unexpectedly gifted these beautiful roses for being an ally to a special @bay_path community that is doing such great work to spread inclusion and support and love for all. It was a beautiful day of people showing up for each other.
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This morning I awoke to this gorgeous little stream of light. It was such a reminder that there is beauty, everywhere. There are allies, everywhere. There is support, everywhere. There is love, everywhere. You just have to be willing to see it. Sometimes you have to be willing to give it. Sometimes you have to be willing to accept it. And all the time, you need to be grateful for it. Because that is the bell we can always ring.❤️
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#ThatsHowTheLightGetsIn #IAmBayPath #AFSPCT #AFSP #OutOfTheDarkness #BeAnAlly #LoveIsEverywhere
This week I was asked “what happens when your son finds out about your mental health history?”
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It was a valid question, and one I thought long and hard about before sharing my story when he was just a tiny baby.
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My son will one day find out about my history. He’ll learn that his mom struggled, and that she ultimately saved herself and then the people who love her helped her to carry her burdens. He’ll learn there is power in talking about your feelings, and safety in asking for help. He’ll learn that our family sticks by each other, no matter what. He’ll learn that mental health is an extension of physical health - sometimes we’re not at our best, but that doesn’t make us any “less” of who we are, which is good humans.
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He’ll learn his mom stands up for what she believes in, and that those closest to her have stood right up with her. He’ll learn that so many people struggle, and that should he, too, he’s not alone.
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And I hope he learns that I am always, and forever, his safe space to land. No matter what.
This is why I walk for @afspnational and @afspct. ❤️
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#OutOfTheDarkness #SuicidePrevention #MyStory #BreakTheStigma #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #AFSP
